This year of cinema is going to be great. You know why? Because in the age of information media, over stimulation and sheer stupidity, we want to go to the moves and get our optical nerves assaulted in complete darkness for 2 hours. Here’s some of those movies coming up this year that will do exactly that.
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Cop Out
Release Date: February 26, 2010
Jesus Christ, when did Bruce Willis stop caring, and start movies that absolutely stink? The trailer has manic depressive Tracy Morgan as Bruce’s partner with a fucking gun. That whole sentence is just wrong. Bruce Willis isn’t an action star anymore, now he’s just babysitting.
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| A buddy cop movie with a black guy and a white guy? Genius! |
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The Karate Kid
Release Date: June 11, 2010
Watch the trailer, then re-read the title of the movie. For anyone that’s actually paying attention, the kid has moved to China. The national Martial Art of China is Kung-Fu. Jackie Chan is teaching the kid Kung-Fu. There is no karate happening in this film except for the similarity in high kicks. This film vehicle only means to show of Will Smith’s kid as the next acting super-kid. Too bad no one involved in this project bothered to understand basic geography.
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| Seriously? The Great Wall? They’re not even trying to cover up the landmarks. |
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Alice in Wonderland
Release Date: March 5, 2010
The most Burton-esque film to date, Tim has appeared to honour the original material and portray everything through the eyes of a meth-head. Bravo Tim, another nightmare inducing film to further my fears of the dark, and clowns.
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| I shall never sleep again at the sight of Madonna’s mouth on Johnny Depp’s face. |
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Iron Man 2
Release Date: May 7, 2010
Thank God they got rid of that whiny bitch Terrance Howard, Don Cheadle is the shit. The best part of the trailer was the last 3 seconds of Iron Man and War Machine going ballistic.
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| This is all the awesome I need. |
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Sex and the City 2
Release Date: May 28, 2010
Just what every man needed: another estrogen fuelled romp that shows men as dastardly scoundrels who do terrible things to women. And thus shows that women are justified doing what they do because men are pigs. Burn your bra’s and hug your trees, bitches.
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| Vomit inducement commence… |
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Inception
Release Date: July 16, 2010
I have no idea what’s going on in this movie, but Christopher Nolan is at the helm. If you’ve ever watched Memento, Insomnia, The Prestige, any of his films that deal with mind-fucking, then you’re in for a treat. Plus, DiCaprio is one of the finest actors of our generation so mark this date on your calendars, it’s going to be one bumpy ride folks.
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| Goosebumps away! |
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The Expendables
Release Date: August 13, 2010
Stallone wants to revamp the action genre all over again. Too bad he missed the 1980’s catchphrase bus. Action is heading downhill, as Gerard Butler can attest to as of late, all the action movies are mindless and the movie going public wants a little more meat to it’s bones than the ‘run from explosion’ formula that’s been diluted with the likes of Michael Bay.
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| A couple decades too late, Sly. |
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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Release Date: June 30, 2010
Teen angst, the sequel with equally shitty acting and story lines. Most men emancipated enough will enjoy the love story between a human and a vampire. Most other, regular men will find something else to do than take their girlfriends to this suck-fest.
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| Stephanie Meyers was rejected by the high school football captain, and is now making millions on it. |
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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I
Release Date: November 19, 2010
The second to last movie in the series, Daniel Radcliffe can finally retire after the last film is finished at the ripe age of 45. Seriously, the film execs are taking so long between films that he’s aging at least 3 years between each. Trying to cramp 20 years worth of wrinkles into a 17 year old package does not work.
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| At least Emma Watson is getting smoking hot with each film. |